My World Was Shaken
Everything was going well, or at least so I thought. I was heavily focused on me and my achievements. My security came from the things that I perceived I could control through my own efforts such as work, education, family, etc… Not that achieving in itself is wrong, but when it becomes your sole purpose of your life, at the cost of everything else, then it is time to re-evaluate.
Life changed for me dramatically in June of 2016… While on vacation with my wife, I began to experience some health symptoms that lead to some medical testing. I received the most dreaded call on a Friday night telling me and my wife that I had cancer. This could not be further from my reality – I mean this cannot be happening. My head was spinning, I did not know what to think other than the absolute worst. This horrifying, life changing call was the beginning of my life transforming journey. I cannot tell you the fear, loneliness (spiritual), and despair that I experienced. Was this God getting my attention and allowing me to have a revelation of my spiritual state… or lack thereof?
There is no question, I was not in a stable mental or spiritual state when I found out this devastating news. I mean, there was not any history of this in my family, and I was only 48 years old! I became consumed with this diagnosis and spent much of my time on the internet trying to search for more information. I wanted to educate myself as much as possible but all I was able to find was so negative that it began to steal any hope that I may have had.
The question I had was why I felt no hope, rather only fear of what would come next. God felt so far away during this time, and why wouldn’t He since I invested no time in my spiritual condition nor in my relationship with Him? To be honest, I did not even know if I was ready to stand before Him and where my final destination would be; this terrified me. I know from scripture that God did not give me a spirit of fear but that of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). I knew that I was at the crossroads of my life at that moment: I could either be angry with God and turn even farther away from Him or I could begin to pursue Him at any and all costs.
I chose the latter.