Time Stood Still
When the doctor called me with results of my biopsy I was driving around town with my beautiful wife and children. I wanted to be careful that the kids in the backseat did not hear what was being said, as I was not ready to share this news with them. As the doctor told me the news, I just looked at my wife and nodded, but I could tell she already knew what he was telling me. At this point he shared the next steps with me, all the scans and tests that needed to be done to educate us better for future treatment. As we drove home there was utter silence. I did not know what (or how) to think and to be frank… I was terrified.
The next couple weeks were very dark for my wife and myself. I believed that any day could be the day that I would die. I mean, I had never experienced this kind of adversity, so I had no training on how to deal with this and I was scrambling big time. During this stage in the process, I truly recognized and feared my lack of relationship with God. I felt no hope, no peace – only utter despair.
I realized that I was not at all where I thought I was spiritually nor where I desired to be. I called on God for His forgiveness for my selfishness and pride. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9 ESV) I then re-dedicated my life to Him and thank Him for the forgiveness of my sins. Now it is time to get spiritually healthy. My desire is to share Jesus and His hope with as many people that I could. I began posting scripture and other quotes from great men/women of faith to Facebook and LinkedIn. I believe my role is to share God’s word and it is His role to do the rest. I dug into the Word like I had never before, and the more I read, the more I desired Him. This was a very revealing time for me in understanding who I was and what my priorities were. What I discovered: I was not the man I hoped to be.
I have learned quickly through this journey that nothing compares to God’s faithfulness. Life is less complicated when you put your trust and hope and His plan rather than your own. The next step was to go and have a bone scan as well as a CAT scan to see if the cancer had spread. The machines themselves were intimidating, especially as you lay in them, hearing the loud banging. At this moment, my diagnosis became even more real to me. This made it easy to slip back into fear mode. I was confident that God was with me during these times, because it’s a theme in the Bible that God promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us.
Hebrews 13:5 – Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have. God promises to never leave us nor forsake us.
Deuteronomy 31:6 – Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or tremble at them for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
Isaiah 41:10 – Fear not for I am with you: be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.
Bottom line: no matter what I was experiencing – anxiety, insecurity, fear, despair, mortality – I knew that God was there with me, and has been faithful to walk through this journey alongside of me. I have gained confidence and peace knowing that even if I can’t see what tomorrow may bring, I am secured with the promise of spending eternity with Him.
Test results are in – next steps.