Understanding Your Spouse’s Sexual NeedsAuthor: Dr. Wayde Goodall
Both the husband and the wife need to understand the sexual needs and desires of their spouse.
Understanding Your Husband’s Sexual Needs
- A husband desires sex more often than his wife desires sex. The man’s sexual
desire is usually stronger than the woman’s. A woman can increase her readiness for sex by thinking about her husband and the pleasure he brings. Much female desire begins in the mind. The bride in Song of Songs thought about and looked forward to joining with her husband. “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— … Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (Song of Songs 1:2, 4).
- A husband enjoys seeing his wife’s body. This is a major source of pleasure for men. God created man with a desire to see his wife naked. Some wives are embarrassed by being naked. They do not want to be bare or wear sexy clothes in the bedroom. They want to make love in the dark. This robs a man of the joy he gets from seeing his wife’s body. The body does not have to be perfect to be a source of pleasure. But the wife should care for her body to keep it beautiful. A husband can make his wife feel good about being naked by always saying good things about her body—and never saying anything negative about her. Soft words and soft light—such as light from a candle— may please both the man and woman.
- A husband likes his wife to feel free to express her sexual desires. Shyness and modesty have their worth. But they lose much of their value in the marriage bed. A husband enjoys having his wife explore and love his body. He is pleased when she takes joy in him. The bride in the Song of Songs even takes the lead in seduction. In chapter 6:13–7:9, we see her dancing before her husband. He admires her body as she entices him to love. A wife will feel freer if her husband provides a place where she is sure of privacy such as behind a locked door. No wife likes to have sex if children or others might hear or enter the bedroom. So a wise and loving husband provides a private, secure place for married love.
- How do you decide as a couple what the limits are for sexual experience? First, do not do anything that shames or hurts either person. Second, anything that breaks marital vows is wrong. Third, do not do anything that harms a person’s conscience. Within these guidelines, a couple can experiment with many sexual pleasures.
- A husband likes to be praised when he pleases his wife. Much of a man’s confidence is in his sexual ability. He feels stronger and more committed when he knows that he is pleasing his wife.
- A wife must never criticize a man’s sexual ability. Do not increase his anxiety if he is unable to perform because of physical or emotional stress. Let him know how to please you. Praise him when he satisfies you emotionally and physically. He will work hard to do it again.
Understanding Solution to Your Wife’s Sexual Needs
- A wife likes her husband’s attention throughout the day and not just when he wants sex. A woman wants to be valued as a unique person. For her, sex is an expression of the whole relationship with her husband. If her husband does not show interest in her thoughts and feelings, she will feel ‘used’ during sex. A husband’s willingness to talk, to listen, and to pay attention in other ways brings joy to the wife’s sexual love. Husband, show physical love sometimes without seeking sex. Do kind things for your wife when you are not hoping to get her into the bed. This will help her to feel loved, and your sexual life will be better.
- A wife likes help with the housework. A husband hates to hear the words, “I’m too tired.” But too often, this is not an excuse; it is the truth. Around the world, women often work longer hours than men. A man usually has a time of the day when his work is over. But a woman often works all day. If you want to see your wife with more energy for sex then help her with her work. Then she will not be so tired. Also, teach the children to help with work in the home.
- A wife likes to see more romance in her life. Song of Songs gives good illustrations of how to create romance. All of the senses come alive in a romantic setting. The mind is awakened. A beautiful setting for sex is prepared. The scents of clean bodies and perfumes are present. The taste of the mouth is refreshing. The touch upon the skin is slow, tender, and exciting. The woman is caused to feel beautiful, valuable, and loved. Her husband may even bring her a gift. Her pleasure is valuable to him. A husband who approaches sex like a carpenter on a hot roof—dirty, sweaty, and eager to get the job done—is not a romantic husband. Any husband can learn to approach sex in a romantic way—he will be kind, clean, neat, patient, grateful, cheerful, friendly, tender, thoughtful, generous, interesting, loving.
- A wife likes to be free to respond as she desires. A wife often desires sexual climax with her husband. Some husbands stir up a wife’s desire by kissing and touching, and then go to sleep and leave her in frustration. If a wife desires sexual climax, the husband must not be content with his own satisfaction. Sometimes, a woman can enjoy bonding with her husband without climax.
- A husband should follow his wife’s lead in this. Sometimes the husband pressures his wife to experience a climax. He may feel like a failure if his wife does not reach her highest sexual level. But there are many ways to enjoy sexual love. Sometimes the wife may not feel that a climax is necessary to be satisfied. Some women never experience climax, and yet have sexual relations that satisfy. Let the woman determine the importance of this in her life each time.