In her book, Wander Women: Guidance for the goal-driven woman, Marcia Reynolds, Psy, D. identifies how women choose a partner. Reynolds says that women will either prefer an emotional secure man (The Knight) or a financial secure man (The King). I would say that most woman I know prefer both.
But what really makes women feel secure in their marriage? Here are eight keys that I believe unlock the heart of a woman; well at least mine.
1) A husband that is trustworthy and faithful.
2) A husband who listens. (Example: Honey, tell me more about…)
3) A husband that prays.
4) A husband that notices her service. (Wow, the house looks great. Dinner was awesome…)
5) A husband who offers to help. (Notice when he is sitting and she is still working. Husband asks the question: How can he help her, so we can both relax?)
6) A husband who is a cheerleader for her hobbies and passions. (Participating emotionally and physically).
7) A husband who practices romance. Talking, dating, and attentiveness are all activities that build intimacy.
8) A husband who is a man of his word, who is dependable, and hard working.
After reading that list, you may be lamenting something like this: “I didn’t marry a Knight or a King! I think I might have married a pawn!” If this is you, I don’t want you to worry. Even the greatest husband make a poor God!
As nice as it would be, it doesn’t matter if our husband meets any of the eight keys to a women’s heart that I listed above. Ultimately, what matters is that you and I understand that God meets all of them and more.
That is where our focus needs to be.
In Philippians 2:12-13, the Apostle Paul says that we are to work out our own salvation. Notice, Paul does not say to work out the salvation of our husbands. So as much as you would like to cut out the list above and tape it to the refrigerator, don’t do it!
- First, we need to take personal responsibility for our relationship with God and with our husband. We do this by turning our insecure marriages into a secure relationship with our Lord. This is when we will see change.
I love this verse in Psalms 40:2 (ESV) “He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.” It is God’s will that His children would be secure and confident in their future.
- Second, we must know that God loves us!
Seems simple doesn’t it. But the more people I meet the more I realize that most people are not living in the full understanding and experience of the love of the Lord. If they were, there would be no competition, self-doubt, comparisons to others or negative self-talk.
First John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love…but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror!”
First John 4:8 says, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” What a challenge and a good test of where our relationship is with God. How often do I feel unloving towards others? When I am confronted with these feelings it is time to dive into the word of God and see the love He has for me and the person I am struggling with.
- Third, we cannot feel secure in our relationship with God without spending time with Him.
Jesus said: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers” John 15:5-6 (NIV).
Jesus is our life giving vine, not our husbands. He is the one who gives us identity and a life of security. But we must remain in Him. To remain means to keep in constant contact (connection).
Regardless of whether you married a Knight, a King or a Pawn, when you truly know Jesus in relationship, He will be your everything.