Why can’t your Story be the one I write for you?

Listening

This weekend was my husband’s 30th high school reunion. I have been to all three of his, but none of mine. During this weekend’s reunion, the topic of my 30th reunion came up three separate times in conversation. Each time the question was asked: WHY didn’t I go to my reunion? Before I could share my story, each person had their own reason for why I may have chosen not to attend my own reunion.

Person #1: You MUST go to your reunion. People fly from out of state to see everyone. You are local. It is your responsibility to make it happen.

Person #2: Oh. I get it. Don’t worry about the old cliques. After 30 years no one is that immature anymore.

Person #3: You are doing such great things. You should go to your reunion so everyone can see how awesome you are doing.

None of these answers were correct. They were simple assumptions of what they thought my reason was for not attending my 30th high school reunion.

We all make assumptions. In fact, research shows that 50-90% of the assumptions we make are incorrect. 1

The most common reason we assume is because we don’t know how to listen.

On the surface, listening appears simple. STOP TALKING. But there is more to it than silence.

Listening is different than hearing.

Listening takes time and it takes intention.

Communication specialists make this same assertion, “hearing” is simply perceiving sound, but “listening” is the art of putting meaning and bringing understanding to that sound. 2

In her book, The Power of Listening, Lynne Baab explains the definition of the word “listen”. “The word listen comes from two Anglo-Saxon words. One of them means hearing, and the other means “to wait in suspense”.2 I wonder if that is what is meant by the phrase “He [or she] hung on every word!”

We have all been the recipients and givers of both “hearing” and “listening”. Think of a time you have experienced the difference. While you are thinking about that question, let me tell you about two conversations I had at the 30th class reunion where I had the opportunity to listen.

(Disclaimer: Listening is a skill I am forever working on. I am much better at writing people’s stories for them then allowing them the gift of writing the story themselves.)

• Conversation #1:

One of the wives I met at the 10th and 20th reunion arrived the event the same time as we did. It was a happy reunion for the two of us since we were not the graduates. At some point during the night, I ran into her again in the line to the bathroom. She told me she was feeling insecure because her husband was talking to his old high school girl friend and seemed to have forgotten his wife was in the room.

• My response:

Don’t be silly. You have nothing to feel insecure about, you are amazing.

He married you not her. I am sure he has no idea he is even doing that.

Be confident in 23 years of marriage and yourself. You can’t control what other people do. You can only control yourself.

I heard her, but I surely didn’t listen to her. In fact, looking back I may have made her feel worse for feeling insecure by telling her not to feel insecure.

Blundered that one!

• Conversation #2:

We were sitting outside eating dinner at a crowded picnic table and a women asked if she could join us. Someone offered her their spot. We were sitting across from each other so I asked her about her life. We had writing in common and she shared her latest project with me which was very excited for her.

Then I asked: Are you married.

She said: No, I am gay. Didn’t you notice how fast the table cleared when I sat down?

I had a choice at that point. I could simply hear her and launch into some explanation of why I thought everyone had left, OR I could listen.

I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to rewrite her high school experience as she described the detailed memories. I wanted to rip out the pages of her story that didn’t fit my Christian theology or my suburban life style. I wanted to take a sharpie to the paragraphs of grief and loneliness that had haunted her past.

In the end, I had to decide how I wanted the future to be.

Did I want her to walk away with more memories of judgment heaped upon the already scripted chapters? OR did I want her to walk away feeling someone had truly heard her and seen the beauty that God created within her? I chose the latter, praying that someday she would write Jesus into the story of her life.

Listening could change the destiny of any relationship – with a spouse, a child, a parent, a co-worker, a friend, and even a stranger. If you are like me and need more tools for listening read:

Pivot Leadership: Small Steps…Big Change or the Power of Listening.